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So it has been almost 3 weeks since the whole being arrested thing happened...

and it is still killing me, i dont know if that was their plan when the court date was set, or if that is just how many criminals there are in st. albert. Every time that i think i have finally come to terms with it, my stomach starts turning again. I am just afraid of what it will do to my mom. And how bad the penalty will be. I know that i fucked up,weatehr i remember it or not.

i keep thinking back to the night and trying to figure everything out. And even when i was leaving the rcmp station, why i didnt ask the officer what the most likely penalty will be... i think that is what is really getting to me. Not knowing at all what i am going to be walking into on December 15. I still have over a month left, and i am no closer to knowing what to do.

I sent a few e-mails to student legal services, but they never responded back, i know they were read though, so that kinda irks me a little bit. I have phone numbers written down, but i still dont know what to do. I am more terrified to talk to the people that can help me out of this than i am of the actual court date.

I dont know if i really should be looking into getting legal help, or if talking with the duty person on the court date will be enough. It seems like a simple enough thing, and i dont know if whether having the help will make a difference in the final outcome> everyone says that it will, but i dont want to pay someone for something that will not change. I dont plan on fighting it, i just want to get to court, get the penalty, and get it finished and behind me.

I want to work towards becoming a better person, but i cant do that with this still in front of me. I want to be able to talk to someone about it, but i don't want to burden anyone with it. I cant really talk to my mom, she has enough going on already and i cant tell any of my friends because i am terrified about how they would see me afterward.

The one person that knows the whole story has been out of reach lately, and even when i can talk to her, i feel bad for dwelling on the fact when she has her own life and problems and does not need to listen to mine. I just really wish that i had someone who has been through this and can help me, but everywhere i turn, that person is not to be found. The best thing i have is this blog, and thats only a one way conversation, and not so much as a conversation but as a confession of guilt and sorrow.

I have cried myself to sleep almsot every night since before i can really remember, but now i am afraid to turn off the tv or the computer becuase once that darkness hits, my mind cant stop, and it feels like im jsut falling into a black hole and no one can help me anymore.

Mistakes

Ok so i need to write this somewhere, and actually writing it on paper is too hard.

Last night i was arrested, have the lovely handcuff bruises to show for it, for theft. You would think after what happened a year ago i would have learnt my lesson, and i thought i had. But this time was different, i dont even remember doing it, i remember looking at some makeup and then started walking towards the check out, and next thing i know the store manager is chasing me down and bringing me back inside saying that he will be calling the RCMP.

After spending about an hour in the security office at the store, and another 2 hours in a holding cell at the RCMP, i have a court date for December 15, and have been photographed and finger printed.

The thing that is making my stomach turn is the fact that this is a second offence, and last time i was incredibly lucky to have been given a chance at the alternative measures program, which is a diversion from having a criminal record, and so this time i could be really screwed and am facing a criminal record if convicted. And the chances of not being convicted are pretty much non-existant.

The thing that really kills me though is my mom. Last time it tore her in two, and the whole time i was sitting at the RCMP all i could think about was her, and how i dont deserve her, or even deserve to live for that matter. I can't understand how i could let her down, and embarrass her again. I have told her what happened, but not the entire truth.

I told her that I went through the till and the debit card didnt go through but becuase i had left as soon as the reciept started printing i wasnt aware that it didnt and was out the door and didnt her the cashier calling me to tell me it wasnt accepted. And that becuase the goods left the building without being paid that it was theft. So i dont know how i long i will be able to hold up that lie, and it would kill my mom even more to know that i had lied to her in the first place, let alone commit the crime. But i could have told her a million other lies and said that i saw some friends while i was there and left to hang out with them, and didnt get the groceries becuase i had forgotten my debit card... but i didnt, i at least told her about the RCMP and the arrest and everything. So i dont know what i am going to do. A laywer is kinda out of the question for me, but i think that i am going to need one to get through this thing alive...

The worst part of this whole thing is that even after explaiing all that to the world more or less, i dont feel any better, becuase i am still facing charges, and i am still lying to my family.

Work

What are you supposed to do when your afraid of going to work everyday. Afraid of doing things wrong, and afraid of dealing with the people that i work with. I dont want to ask Kathy if she needs help with anything because i am afraid that im going to screw it up and have her even more angry with me. No matter how careful i am or how many times i check things over its still wrong and i cant figure out what i am doing wrong. And she doesnt tell me until after i do it wrong so its too late to fix it. Today they all went out for lunch becuase Kathy had won 1850.00 at the casino yesterday and took everyone, and there wasnt a formal invitation made to me so here i am sitting alone in my office when everyone else is out for lunch. I jsut want to go home and hide in my room and cry for a few hours. And having everything going on with my mom isnt heloing matters at all. I tried to call my mom and talk to her earlier but she didnt answer the phone. I am off to try again though and get out of this building for a while becuase its just making me more upset, as is writing this.

Lessons unlearned

So not only is my sister dating a good for nothing little shit head, but she seems to disregard everything that she should be doing with her life. she hasnt even graduated highschool yet, and her life is going down the drain at an alarming rate. I found otu today that she thinks she might be pregnant, but i didnt find out from her, not even for the little shit head, but from my neightbour who has been out of the country for the last week. So please explain to me how she would hear wind of this before i did in a work palce where me, my sister, and the shit head all work. and the fact that apparently the rumours of said pregnancy have been circling for weeks!!! Confirming what i was told by Bobbi Jo, who said that my sister had taken about 6 home test, which all came back possitive, and then went to the doctor, and his came back negative. Leah told bobbi jo that she had talked to my mom about it, but i dont believe that becuase it would absolutely kill my mom, not to mention that fact that leah is never home to talk to anyone. Not that any of that is enough, but while my mom is out of town the shit head has been here, and to top it all off, despite the fact that she hasnt learnt her lesson with the current pregnancy scare, they are still having sex. So if i wanted to kill him before, imagine the racing hurricane of emotions burilding in my chest at this very moment.

Abandonment

So last Friday unfortunate news was dropped upon my family, my mom has breast cancer. And since that bomb was dropped my world seems to be spinning rapidly out of control. That entire weekend was pretty much a blur, and the weight of the whole situation never grounded itself upon my shoulders until late monday night last week. But since that complete emotional breakdown i have not gotten to speak to my mom once about what has been going on. Keith came home early from working in Manitoba to be with her, and since he got home last sunday i he has not left her side, which is good in its own way, but also means that my sisters and i have had no time with just her. Thinking i had plenty of time before she was in the hospital for surgery and then recovering after that, it didnt bother me all too much, figured she needed her space. But around 9:00 sunday night i get a phone call, "ok you can't be mad, but keith and are leaving for Vegas at 4:30 in the morning for the week." How can she honestly say 'don't be mad' when she obviously knew that i would be. she more or less ran away in the middle of the night with her boyfriend. I expected her to at least be coming back to the house and say goodbye to us before she left. But she didnt get abck to the house until about 1:30 that morning, darci and leah were both already sleeping and i was staying up jsut so i could tell her that i had her 11 year old daughter bawling herself to sleep in my bed becuase she didnt want her mom to leave. not only did she not seem to care for anything other than her trip, she didnt even wake leah up and tell her that she was leaving until 15 minutes before hand, and didnt bother to wake me up at all. She has not called once to even tell us how the trip is going, or even that she got there safely. i can undersand her wanting to get away for a while given the situation, its been hard on her, but what i dont think that she realizes is that is has been incredibly hard on us as well. with not having any time with her to talk and her taking off it made it even harder. she has about two and a half weeks until she is in the hospital and she is spending a week of that away from her family.