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So it has been almost 3 weeks since the whole being arrested thing happened...

and it is still killing me, i dont know if that was their plan when the court date was set, or if that is just how many criminals there are in st. albert. Every time that i think i have finally come to terms with it, my stomach starts turning again. I am just afraid of what it will do to my mom. And how bad the penalty will be. I know that i fucked up,weatehr i remember it or not.

i keep thinking back to the night and trying to figure everything out. And even when i was leaving the rcmp station, why i didnt ask the officer what the most likely penalty will be... i think that is what is really getting to me. Not knowing at all what i am going to be walking into on December 15. I still have over a month left, and i am no closer to knowing what to do.

I sent a few e-mails to student legal services, but they never responded back, i know they were read though, so that kinda irks me a little bit. I have phone numbers written down, but i still dont know what to do. I am more terrified to talk to the people that can help me out of this than i am of the actual court date.

I dont know if i really should be looking into getting legal help, or if talking with the duty person on the court date will be enough. It seems like a simple enough thing, and i dont know if whether having the help will make a difference in the final outcome> everyone says that it will, but i dont want to pay someone for something that will not change. I dont plan on fighting it, i just want to get to court, get the penalty, and get it finished and behind me.

I want to work towards becoming a better person, but i cant do that with this still in front of me. I want to be able to talk to someone about it, but i don't want to burden anyone with it. I cant really talk to my mom, she has enough going on already and i cant tell any of my friends because i am terrified about how they would see me afterward.

The one person that knows the whole story has been out of reach lately, and even when i can talk to her, i feel bad for dwelling on the fact when she has her own life and problems and does not need to listen to mine. I just really wish that i had someone who has been through this and can help me, but everywhere i turn, that person is not to be found. The best thing i have is this blog, and thats only a one way conversation, and not so much as a conversation but as a confession of guilt and sorrow.

I have cried myself to sleep almsot every night since before i can really remember, but now i am afraid to turn off the tv or the computer becuase once that darkness hits, my mind cant stop, and it feels like im jsut falling into a black hole and no one can help me anymore.