Mistakes

Ok so i need to write this somewhere, and actually writing it on paper is too hard.

Last night i was arrested, have the lovely handcuff bruises to show for it, for theft. You would think after what happened a year ago i would have learnt my lesson, and i thought i had. But this time was different, i dont even remember doing it, i remember looking at some makeup and then started walking towards the check out, and next thing i know the store manager is chasing me down and bringing me back inside saying that he will be calling the RCMP.

After spending about an hour in the security office at the store, and another 2 hours in a holding cell at the RCMP, i have a court date for December 15, and have been photographed and finger printed.

The thing that is making my stomach turn is the fact that this is a second offence, and last time i was incredibly lucky to have been given a chance at the alternative measures program, which is a diversion from having a criminal record, and so this time i could be really screwed and am facing a criminal record if convicted. And the chances of not being convicted are pretty much non-existant.

The thing that really kills me though is my mom. Last time it tore her in two, and the whole time i was sitting at the RCMP all i could think about was her, and how i dont deserve her, or even deserve to live for that matter. I can't understand how i could let her down, and embarrass her again. I have told her what happened, but not the entire truth.

I told her that I went through the till and the debit card didnt go through but becuase i had left as soon as the reciept started printing i wasnt aware that it didnt and was out the door and didnt her the cashier calling me to tell me it wasnt accepted. And that becuase the goods left the building without being paid that it was theft. So i dont know how i long i will be able to hold up that lie, and it would kill my mom even more to know that i had lied to her in the first place, let alone commit the crime. But i could have told her a million other lies and said that i saw some friends while i was there and left to hang out with them, and didnt get the groceries becuase i had forgotten my debit card... but i didnt, i at least told her about the RCMP and the arrest and everything. So i dont know what i am going to do. A laywer is kinda out of the question for me, but i think that i am going to need one to get through this thing alive...

The worst part of this whole thing is that even after explaiing all that to the world more or less, i dont feel any better, becuase i am still facing charges, and i am still lying to my family.