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So it has been almost 3 weeks since the whole being arrested thing happened...

and it is still killing me, i dont know if that was their plan when the court date was set, or if that is just how many criminals there are in st. albert. Every time that i think i have finally come to terms with it, my stomach starts turning again. I am just afraid of what it will do to my mom. And how bad the penalty will be. I know that i fucked up,weatehr i remember it or not.

i keep thinking back to the night and trying to figure everything out. And even when i was leaving the rcmp station, why i didnt ask the officer what the most likely penalty will be... i think that is what is really getting to me. Not knowing at all what i am going to be walking into on December 15. I still have over a month left, and i am no closer to knowing what to do.

I sent a few e-mails to student legal services, but they never responded back, i know they were read though, so that kinda irks me a little bit. I have phone numbers written down, but i still dont know what to do. I am more terrified to talk to the people that can help me out of this than i am of the actual court date.

I dont know if i really should be looking into getting legal help, or if talking with the duty person on the court date will be enough. It seems like a simple enough thing, and i dont know if whether having the help will make a difference in the final outcome> everyone says that it will, but i dont want to pay someone for something that will not change. I dont plan on fighting it, i just want to get to court, get the penalty, and get it finished and behind me.

I want to work towards becoming a better person, but i cant do that with this still in front of me. I want to be able to talk to someone about it, but i don't want to burden anyone with it. I cant really talk to my mom, she has enough going on already and i cant tell any of my friends because i am terrified about how they would see me afterward.

The one person that knows the whole story has been out of reach lately, and even when i can talk to her, i feel bad for dwelling on the fact when she has her own life and problems and does not need to listen to mine. I just really wish that i had someone who has been through this and can help me, but everywhere i turn, that person is not to be found. The best thing i have is this blog, and thats only a one way conversation, and not so much as a conversation but as a confession of guilt and sorrow.

I have cried myself to sleep almsot every night since before i can really remember, but now i am afraid to turn off the tv or the computer becuase once that darkness hits, my mind cant stop, and it feels like im jsut falling into a black hole and no one can help me anymore.

Mistakes

Ok so i need to write this somewhere, and actually writing it on paper is too hard.

Last night i was arrested, have the lovely handcuff bruises to show for it, for theft. You would think after what happened a year ago i would have learnt my lesson, and i thought i had. But this time was different, i dont even remember doing it, i remember looking at some makeup and then started walking towards the check out, and next thing i know the store manager is chasing me down and bringing me back inside saying that he will be calling the RCMP.

After spending about an hour in the security office at the store, and another 2 hours in a holding cell at the RCMP, i have a court date for December 15, and have been photographed and finger printed.

The thing that is making my stomach turn is the fact that this is a second offence, and last time i was incredibly lucky to have been given a chance at the alternative measures program, which is a diversion from having a criminal record, and so this time i could be really screwed and am facing a criminal record if convicted. And the chances of not being convicted are pretty much non-existant.

The thing that really kills me though is my mom. Last time it tore her in two, and the whole time i was sitting at the RCMP all i could think about was her, and how i dont deserve her, or even deserve to live for that matter. I can't understand how i could let her down, and embarrass her again. I have told her what happened, but not the entire truth.

I told her that I went through the till and the debit card didnt go through but becuase i had left as soon as the reciept started printing i wasnt aware that it didnt and was out the door and didnt her the cashier calling me to tell me it wasnt accepted. And that becuase the goods left the building without being paid that it was theft. So i dont know how i long i will be able to hold up that lie, and it would kill my mom even more to know that i had lied to her in the first place, let alone commit the crime. But i could have told her a million other lies and said that i saw some friends while i was there and left to hang out with them, and didnt get the groceries becuase i had forgotten my debit card... but i didnt, i at least told her about the RCMP and the arrest and everything. So i dont know what i am going to do. A laywer is kinda out of the question for me, but i think that i am going to need one to get through this thing alive...

The worst part of this whole thing is that even after explaiing all that to the world more or less, i dont feel any better, becuase i am still facing charges, and i am still lying to my family.