Work

What are you supposed to do when your afraid of going to work everyday. Afraid of doing things wrong, and afraid of dealing with the people that i work with. I dont want to ask Kathy if she needs help with anything because i am afraid that im going to screw it up and have her even more angry with me. No matter how careful i am or how many times i check things over its still wrong and i cant figure out what i am doing wrong. And she doesnt tell me until after i do it wrong so its too late to fix it. Today they all went out for lunch becuase Kathy had won 1850.00 at the casino yesterday and took everyone, and there wasnt a formal invitation made to me so here i am sitting alone in my office when everyone else is out for lunch. I jsut want to go home and hide in my room and cry for a few hours. And having everything going on with my mom isnt heloing matters at all. I tried to call my mom and talk to her earlier but she didnt answer the phone. I am off to try again though and get out of this building for a while becuase its just making me more upset, as is writing this.

Lessons unlearned

So not only is my sister dating a good for nothing little shit head, but she seems to disregard everything that she should be doing with her life. she hasnt even graduated highschool yet, and her life is going down the drain at an alarming rate. I found otu today that she thinks she might be pregnant, but i didnt find out from her, not even for the little shit head, but from my neightbour who has been out of the country for the last week. So please explain to me how she would hear wind of this before i did in a work palce where me, my sister, and the shit head all work. and the fact that apparently the rumours of said pregnancy have been circling for weeks!!! Confirming what i was told by Bobbi Jo, who said that my sister had taken about 6 home test, which all came back possitive, and then went to the doctor, and his came back negative. Leah told bobbi jo that she had talked to my mom about it, but i dont believe that becuase it would absolutely kill my mom, not to mention that fact that leah is never home to talk to anyone. Not that any of that is enough, but while my mom is out of town the shit head has been here, and to top it all off, despite the fact that she hasnt learnt her lesson with the current pregnancy scare, they are still having sex. So if i wanted to kill him before, imagine the racing hurricane of emotions burilding in my chest at this very moment.

Abandonment

So last Friday unfortunate news was dropped upon my family, my mom has breast cancer. And since that bomb was dropped my world seems to be spinning rapidly out of control. That entire weekend was pretty much a blur, and the weight of the whole situation never grounded itself upon my shoulders until late monday night last week. But since that complete emotional breakdown i have not gotten to speak to my mom once about what has been going on. Keith came home early from working in Manitoba to be with her, and since he got home last sunday i he has not left her side, which is good in its own way, but also means that my sisters and i have had no time with just her. Thinking i had plenty of time before she was in the hospital for surgery and then recovering after that, it didnt bother me all too much, figured she needed her space. But around 9:00 sunday night i get a phone call, "ok you can't be mad, but keith and are leaving for Vegas at 4:30 in the morning for the week." How can she honestly say 'don't be mad' when she obviously knew that i would be. she more or less ran away in the middle of the night with her boyfriend. I expected her to at least be coming back to the house and say goodbye to us before she left. But she didnt get abck to the house until about 1:30 that morning, darci and leah were both already sleeping and i was staying up jsut so i could tell her that i had her 11 year old daughter bawling herself to sleep in my bed becuase she didnt want her mom to leave. not only did she not seem to care for anything other than her trip, she didnt even wake leah up and tell her that she was leaving until 15 minutes before hand, and didnt bother to wake me up at all. She has not called once to even tell us how the trip is going, or even that she got there safely. i can undersand her wanting to get away for a while given the situation, its been hard on her, but what i dont think that she realizes is that is has been incredibly hard on us as well. with not having any time with her to talk and her taking off it made it even harder. she has about two and a half weeks until she is in the hospital and she is spending a week of that away from her family.